My Online Journal
December 2, 2011 Leave a comment
Yesterday the course came to an end. Work handed in. Tutor checked everything. Passed and certificate will be forwarded in due course.
Ending thoughts.
1. Same tutor all through course would be good.
2. The course should not be rushed.
3. B is a twat.
4. I learned a lot about myself.
I could say – what will I do on a Thursday ? But I will not as I have a new job starting in Monday.
November 9, 2011 Leave a comment
6.4 Open and closed questions.
Closed questions demand yes or no answers with no chance to elaborate. Questions that normally start with, could, should, would, have, will. They normally lead to the answer yes or no. For example; “did you resign…..”, “did you do well in your exams”, “do you want tea or coffee”.
Closed questions are only good if you are confirming some fact or to show that you have been listening closely. Using a closed question during a conversation for other than confirming could have the unintended consequence of stopping the conversation dead.
Why questions are open questions but they should not be used. If you use the word “why” you are asking for justification for what has been said, As a counsellor your job is not to ask for justification, your job is to allow your client to explore and come to terms with their feelings for what has happened.
Open questions require longer more detailed answers, they require the other person to talk about a topic. All the W’s, how, when, where, what, which. “Tell me how you are feeling today”, “What happened next”.
4.1 Identify the helpee’s needs.
I have to remember that I am helping and the conversation is about the helpee not me. I will ask what they want to talk about and develop the conversation around there needs. The conversation will develop in a manner that the helpee wishes and will not be led by me. I will give them the power to decide what is discussed.
I will ask them what they wish to discuss. If given a few issues I will say “given the time that we have available what is the most important?”. Remembering what may feel trivial to me may be the most important thing to them.
During the conversation I may say. “can we take a moment, we have talked about ……….. “ or “can we take a moment, I am confused, we talked about ……….”. This will show that I am listening and confirming that we are talking about what the helpee wishes to talk about.
4.2 Describe why it is important to identify and stay focused on what is important to a helpee
The conversation is all about them not me. If I want the helpee to benefit from the conversation I need to make sure I identify the core issues and guide the helpee to remain on track during the conversation.
For a listener to help, the listener has to listen to what is said, not what he thinks what has been said. To do this we use reflection and we summarise. Thus we make sure the client remains on track and gains most from the time that is available.
We need to be careful that we do not lead the conversation. Only reacting to what has been said. If I do not remain focused on what is important the helpee will not gain the maximum amount of benefit from the time available.
The Role Play
In the role play today I was the counselor in a scenario about the fear of flying.
I opened the conversation by saying,
“You look like you need a chat, I have 5 minutes available if you wish.”
“Before we go any further I must say that I am not a counsellor, I am not qualified in any way but I have been told that I am a good listener.”
“Also I need to mention that everything said here will remain confidential within limits, If you say anything that leads me to believe that you or another is at risk especially children I may need to break that confidentially.”
In a effort to identify S’s needs I asked open questions.
“Please tell me what is troubling you?”
Closed questions were asked only to confirm that I understood what the issues were. I said “The problem is with you and your partners issues with flying?”
I sat facing S, I kept looking at her and mirrored her body language, I nodded in agreement with what was being said.
It was then mentioned that S was scared of flying. This along with her partner having the same fear and his way of dealing with the issue putting pressure on the the relationship.
Her partner would deal with the problem with watching on Discovery Channel any program about air crashes and the like and would also keep mentioning this to S.
During the conversation I would restate, I did this to ensure that we remained focused on what the issues were. She mentioned fear of flying, I said “fear of flying” while nodding agreement. I reflected by saying “scared of flying”
I showed that I was listening to her by saying “go on” “I understand”, “I suffer from the same fear.”
I was able to show empathy. I did this by various different actions. I listened attentively to S. I did this by restating and reflecting what had been said. I mentioned that I had the same fear as I had been on a very turbulent flight a few years before and that had lead me to avoid flying for a number of years. I understood her problem. When S was describing her fear, she showed emotion on her face, I mirrored that emotion. I validated what they felt by saying “I can understand why you are upset, any one would find this difficult.”
After 5 minutes I had to bring the conversation to a close as the agreed time was up. I said “we have to finish now as our time is up, we can arrange to meet later if you feel it would be helpful.
I summarised our conversation, I said, “we were talking to day about you and you partners fear of flying and the pressure that this puts on your relationship.” “We can speak again if you wish.” “I do know that both British Airways and Virgin Atlantic both run courses for people that do not like flying, I will try and get the telephone number for you.”
November 8, 2011 Leave a comment
Closed questions are only good if you are confirming some fact or to show that you have been listening closely. Using a closed question during a conversation for other than confirming could have the unintended consequence of stopping the conversation dead.
Why questions are open questions but they should not be used. If you use the word “why” you are asking for justification for what has been said, As a counsellor your job is not to ask for justification, your job is to allow your client to explore and come to terms with their feelings for what has happened.
Open questions require longer more detailed answers, they require the other person to talk about a topic. All the W’s, how, when, where, what, which. “Tell me how you are feeling today”, “What happened next”.
November 4, 2011 Leave a comment
It does not look like I will be able to take the next step in this process. The next class in the course starts on the 3rd January 2012. This is on a Tuesday and day C works till 9pm and I need to be able to collect J from school.
Bummer….
October 6, 2011 Leave a comment
Restating is when you repeat, reiterate words that are being said to you in a conversation. You are demonstrating to your client that you understand and are listening to what is being said to you. It also helps the client keep on track and focused.
During the conversation they may say to you, “I have had a difficult week” you may wish to say “difficult” when they pause. They may then say “difficult, because work was very busy”. It opens up the conversation allowing the client to widen the dialog with you.
Reflection is when you turn back the meaning or the feeling of what has been said to you so letting the client make sense of the conversation.
The client may say, “ I am angry and pissed off!”
You may say, “Your angry and annoyed.”
The client may respond, “Not angry fed up!”
When you do this you’re allowing the client to make sense of what they are saying. It also shows that you as a listener is engaged with what is being said..
When you are reflecting you are helping the other to make a reasoned sense of the issue.
Paraphrasing is summing up what has been said to you. It shows to your client that you have been listening to and understanding what has been said. It is best to use the same words that have been mentioned during the conversation. Words can have a different meaning to each of us. If you sum up in your own words you may have a put over a different meaning to what was said.
If a client mentions that he is angry, emotional or satisfied using these words when paraphrasing will ensure that client understands in his own words what has been said during the session.
I would do this by saying, “ we are coming to a end of the session now, so I would like to summarise what has been said. You mentioned your adoption and your search for your birth family, you said that when you received your birth certificate your were ecstatic but that was quickly replaced by a nervousness ……… blah blah blah”
Using these three skills I am helping the client make sense of the conversation, I let him know that I am listening and engaged with what he is saying, I understand what he is saying to me and fully understand the problem as a whole.
Listening to You 