6.4 – 4.1 & 4.2

09 November 2011

6.4 Open and closed questions.

Closed questions demand yes or no answers with no chance to elaborate. Questions that normally start with, could, should, would, have, will. They normally lead to the answer yes or no. For example; “did you resign…..”, “did you do well in your exams”, “do you want tea or coffee”.

Closed questions are only good if you are confirming some fact or to show that you have been listening closely. Using a closed question during a conversation for other than confirming could have the unintended consequence of stopping the conversation dead.

Why questions are open questions but they should not be used. If you use the word “why” you are asking for justification for what has been said, As a counsellor your job is not to ask for justification, your job is to allow your client to explore and come to terms with their feelings for what has happened.

Open questions require longer more detailed answers, they require the other person to talk about a topic. All the W’s, how, when, where, what, which. “Tell me how you are feeling today”, “What happened next”.

4.1  Identify the helpee’s needs.

I have to remember that I am helping and the conversation is about the helpee not me. I will ask what they want to talk about and develop the conversation around there needs. The conversation will develop in a manner that the helpee wishes and will not be led by me. I will give them the power to decide what is discussed.

I will ask them what they wish to discuss. If given a few issues I will say “given the time that we have available what is the most important?”. Remembering what may feel trivial to me may be the most important thing to them.

During the conversation I may say. “can we take a moment, we have talked about ……….. “ or “can we take a moment, I am confused, we talked about ……….”. This will show that I am listening and confirming that we are talking about what the helpee wishes to talk about.

4.2 Describe why it is important to identify and stay focused on what is important to a helpee

The conversation is all about them not me. If I want the helpee to benefit from the conversation I need to make sure I identify the core issues and guide the helpee to remain on track during the conversation.

For a listener to help, the listener has to listen to what is said, not what he thinks what has been said. To do this we use reflection and we summarise. Thus we make sure the client remains on track and gains most from the time that is available.

We need to be careful that we do not lead the conversation. Only reacting to what has been said. If I do not remain focused on what is important the helpee will not gain the maximum amount of benefit from the time available.

The Role Play

In the role play today I was the counselor in a scenario about the fear of flying.

I opened the conversation by saying,

“You look like you need a chat, I have 5 minutes available if you wish.”

“Before we go any further I must say that I am not a counsellor, I am not qualified in any way but I have been told that I am a good listener.”

“Also I need to mention that everything said here will remain confidential within limits, If you say anything that leads me to believe that you or another is at risk especially children I may need to break that confidentially.”

In a effort to identify S’s needs I asked open questions.

“Please tell me what is troubling you?”

Closed questions were asked only to confirm that I understood what the issues were. I said “The problem is with you and your partners issues with flying?”

I sat facing S, I kept looking at her and mirrored her body language, I nodded in agreement with what was being said.

It was then mentioned that S was scared of flying. This along with her partner having the same fear and his way of dealing with the issue putting pressure on the the relationship.

Her partner would deal with the problem with watching on Discovery Channel any program about air crashes and the like and would also keep mentioning this to S.

During the conversation I would restate, I did this to ensure that we remained focused on what the issues were. She mentioned fear of flying, I said “fear of flying” while nodding agreement. I reflected by saying “scared of flying”

I showed that I was listening to her by saying “go on” “I understand”, “I suffer from the same fear.”

I was able to show empathy. I did this by various different actions. I listened attentively to S. I did this by restating and reflecting what had been said. I mentioned that I had the same fear as I had been on a very turbulent flight a few years before and that had lead me to avoid flying for a number of years. I understood her problem. When S was describing her fear, she showed emotion on her face, I mirrored that emotion. I validated  what they felt by saying “I can understand why you are upset, any one would find this difficult.”

After 5 minutes I had to bring the conversation to a close as the agreed time was up. I said “we have to finish now as our time is up, we can arrange to meet later if you feel it would be helpful.

I summarised our conversation, I said, “we were talking to day about you and you partners fear of flying and the pressure that this puts on your relationship.” “We can speak again if you wish.” “I do know that both British Airways and Virgin Atlantic both run courses for people that do not like flying, I will try and get the telephone number for you.”